Marriage Humo

Marriage Humor （婚姻幽默）

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
妻：你在作什麼啊？
Husband : Nothing.
夫：沒作什麼。
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
妻：沒作什麼？你看著我們的結婚證書，足足有一小時了。
Husband : 'I was looking for the ex pi ry date.'
夫：我在尋找它的有效日期是到什麼時候。
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
妻： 要吃晚餐嗎？
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
夫： 當然！我可以選擇嗎？
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
妻：要或不要。
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
妻：為什麼你經常把我的照片放在你皮夾裡？
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your pi cture and the problem disappears.'
夫：當問題發生時，不管有多困難，我看著妳照片就迎刃而解了。
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you!'
妻：你看我對你有多麼驚人的影響力啊！
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your pi cture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
夫：是啊！望著妳的照片我問自己，還有什麼困難比這個來得大呢？
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
女孩：婚後我要分擔你所有的煩惱、困擾，以減輕你的負擔。
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
男孩：親愛的，妳真體貼，但我並沒有任何煩惱或困擾。
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
女孩：哦？那是因為我們還沒結婚的緣故。
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Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
子：今早我和爹地一起搭車，他要我讓座給一位女士。
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
母：嗯，你這麼做是對的。
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
子：但是，媽，我當時是坐在爹地的腿上呢。
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
一位新婚的先生問他太太：如果我父親沒留下巨額財產給我，你會嫁給我嗎？
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, N O MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
女人溫柔的答道：親愛的，不管是誰留下財產給你，我都會嫁給你的。
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
女孩對著男友說：吻我一下，我就永遠屬於你了。
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
男孩回道：謝謝您提早警告我。
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
妻問夫：你最喜歡我哪一點？我美麗的臉龐，還是我性感的軀體？
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'
他把她從頭到腳瀏覽了一遍，回道：我喜歡你的幽默感。

FW: [Seletarians] Indian goes to a grocery store

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (A grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, What the F*** is this? Is this shit you Idiot?

The Indian calmly replies, “Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.”？

FW: What a great way to explain socialism.

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.



That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.



The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. The Class agreed!



After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.



The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.



As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.



The second test average was a D! No one was happy.



When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.



The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.



All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward and shares it with those not earning it, no one will try or want to succeed.



It just doesn't get any simpler than this.

FW: Why America is in crisis

An Israeli doctor,a German doctor, A Russian doctor and An American doctor from Texas happened to have a lunch together.

The Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

The German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in The White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.

FW:Malaysia: Where will we be in 2020......?

Malaysia: Where will we be in 2020......?
Please read this email as it is very well-written and easy-to-understand....
especially the last few paragraphs, which makes a lot of sense .

Where is our direction for our next generation..?

For those who started work around 1973, a 1.3 Litre Japaness car was RM7,000.
Today the equivalent is.... let's say RM60,000.......8.5 times

In 1973 a double storey house was about RM45,000..or less.
Today it is about RM300,000............6.6 times

In 1973 an Engineer's pay was RM1,000 .
Today it is about RM2, 000+/-............2 times....

From 1973 to 2008........35 years......what is the Trend?
Bearish !!!!

In a stock market when the trend is bearish, what do we do? ..Exit !!!
When a country's trend is bearish what do we do?

This Bearish trend is more difficult to turn around as compared to the stock market.

I have used these 3 items : House, Car & Salary as a measurement of the country's performance for the past 35 years....
Foreigners also ask about these 3 items to gauge our standard of living.

There is a book I saw in MPH bookshop entitled : “ Malaysia : The Failed Nation”.
Some of you may be interested to read it. I agreed with the writer.....

This morning I was having coffee at McDonald (now the coffee..100 % Arabica beans..is quite good@ RM 2.90....free refill !!
I asked how much per hour is their pay?
RM3.00 x 8 hours = RM24 per day x 25 days = RM600 per month

My daughter works part-time during her University days..she worked at Gloria Jeans Coffee.... the pay?
Australian $14.00 @ 3.15 = RM44 per hour x 8 = RM352 per day x 25 days = RM8,800 ...13.3 times more !!!!!
......Price of houses in Perth is about the same in KL .

Price of cars are about 23% cheaper in Perth .

I think more and more people are becoming aware of this Bearish trend.

Developed country by 2020...means High income country!!

Let's look at some as of year 2005 (Financial Times)
USA GNP per capita US$35, 400
UK GNP per capita US$25,510
Australia GNP per capita US$19 ,530
Singapore GNP per capita US$20,690

These are developed countries by income measurement....
Malaysia 's GNP per capita US$3,540

Year 2020..developed country?
Really...a sad story. Worrying Trends, isn't it??

Ringgit sliding further and further under BN.

Recently, I interviewed some fresh graduates applying for jobs with my engineering company.
I accepted two applicants on a starting salary of RM1,600. It struck me as odd that 15 years
ago, I myself started work as a fresh graduate engineer for the same pay.

Indeed, if you compare the salaries of graduates now and 15 or even 20 years ago, you'll find
little difference but that their purchasing power is vastly different. It's the same story when you
compare salaries of shop assistants, office staff, factory workers and others.

To compound the effect of inflation, the ringgit has depreciated greatly against all major currencies.
The real income of most Malaysians has moved backwards.

This is why many Malaysians suffer under the petrol hike. The root of the problem is that our real
incomes have shrunk in the face of inflation and depreciated currency.. Malaysians have not been
spoiled by subsidy but are unable to move out of the time lock of stagnated and depreciated incomes.

If you compare the per capita incomes of Singapore , Hong Kong , Taiwan and South Korea , they are
a few multiples of ours although at independence all these countries were the on the same economic
level as Malaysia .

What has gone wrong? We were the rising star of East Asia , a country rich in natural resources with
the most promising potential.

The reason is massive corruption, plundering of resources, wastage of funds for huge non-economic
projects, anti-public interest deals with politically-linked companies and passing-of-the-buck to the
man in the street..

Four decades of NEP where education, economic and employment policies are defined by race ensured
that meritocracy took a back seat.

Our university standard has declined and the today best and brightest of our youths emigrate to escape
the racial inequility only to contribute to the economies of foreign lands.

The reputation of our judiciary which was held in high esteem worldwide has sunk so low that foreign
investors now insist on arbitration in Singapore in case of any dispute.

We also have a slew of oppressive laws such as the ISA, OSA, Uuca and PPPA which stifle free speech
and are designed to keep the ruling parties in power.

We have become less attractive to foreign investors and now lag behind our neighbours in Asean for foreign
direct investment. Even some corporations who have established themselves here are moving out.

All the economic and social malaise cannot help but affect the value of our currency. The strength of a
country's currency is after all, a reflection of its fundamentals.

Furthermore, Bank Negara has a policy of weak ringgit to help exporters, never mind the burden on the
common folk. The government is pro-corporation, not pro-rakyat.

While the poor and middle-class are squeezed, an elite group gets breathtakingly rich. We have the
distinction of having the worse income disparity in Asean. A re-distribution of wealth is under way from the
poor and middle-class to a select group of politically-connected elite.

The end result of this re-distribution will be a small group of super-rich while the majority are pushed into
poverty and the middle-class shrinks. This is what happens when the rich gets richer and the poor get poorer.

There is much that is wrong with Malaysia . The responsibility for pulling the country backwards can be laid
squarely at the door of the ruling regime. It is BN's mis-governance, racial politics and culture of patronage
which has seen the country regress economically and socially.

We seem to be sliding down a slippery slope, further down with each passing year of BN's rule. Another five
years of BN rule and we'll be at Indonesia 's standard under Suharto. Another 10 years and we'll be touching
the African standard. What a way to greet 2020!!!!

Is there any hope for Malaysia ?

Faced with the reality that BN will never change, many Malaysians desperate for change turn their lonely
eyes to Anwar Ibrahim.

Pakatan Raykat has promised to treat all races fairly, to plug wastage, fight corruption, reform the judiciary
and make Malaysia more competitive.

But some have questioned whether we can trust Anwar and his loose coalition of disparate parties..

The question is not whether we can trust Anwar and Pakatan Rakyat but whether we can afford not to.

Can we afford another ten years of BN's misrule?

Fw: WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS!?

Another good one.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and

a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He

opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,

what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with

cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,

sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to

his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and

apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long

have you had arthritis?"

Fw:6pm至6am是女生權益（重要咨詢）

Subject: 6pm至6am是女生權益（重要咨詢）
Women's Rights 6 pm to 6 am (important for your knowledge)

Dear all,
Please read and share with your loved one ....

IMPORTANT
Women's Rights 6 p.m. to 6 a.m.
I was talking with a lawyer friend of mine.
We were discussing the law and women's rights.

She told me about this incident
- a young girl was raped by a man posing as a plain clothes officer;
he asked her to come to the police station when she and her male
friend didn't have a driver's license to show. He sent the boy off to
get his license and asked the girl to accompany him to the police
station.

Took her instead to an isolated area where the horrendous crime was committed.

In fact, the law clearly states that between 6 pm and 6 am , a woman
has the right to REFUSE to go to the Police Station, even if an arrest
warrant has been issued against her...

It is a procedural issue that a woman can be arrested between 6 pm and
6 am , ONLY if she is arrested by a woman officer and taken to an ALL
WOMEN police station.
And if she is arrested by a male officer, it has to be proven that a
woman officer was on duty at the time of arrest.

It is good for us to know our rights. To what extent it comes of use
remains to be seen in any situation. But as they say, knowledge is
power. Just thought I'd share this with you. I did not know this and
am sure lot of us will not know this- please be informed..... And pass
on this info to whom all you know.......


各位女士們注意：

傍晚6pm至早上6am是女生權益（重要咨詢）

曾經與一位律師朋友聊天得知，我們正談論法律和女士的權益問題...

律師朋友告訴我一個案：
一個年輕的少女被身穿便服的男警察強奸了。當時，少女和男友拿不出駕駛執照，這警察要求少女跟她回警察局，要其男友回家去拿駛照 。
途中就載少女到一処偏僻地方，強奸了她。

律師朋友清楚說到：其實女士們在傍晚6pm-6am是有權利拒絕任何（男）警察的要求，自己單獨跟隨一或一群（男）警察囘返警局。即使有通緝令，也可以暫時拒絕。
除非，當時是被女警逮捕，而且警察局裏的警察人員都是《女警》在當值。又或者，被男警逮捕時有女警在場。否則一概可拒絕。

這法律知識對我們很有幫助，以防備下囘有類似事情發生在我們身上、家人朋友身上。
因爲很多人對《法律》和《警方程序》的無知，而不幸受害真的很多。

說真的，對此我之前真的不知道，相信也有很多人不知道。。